Saturday, January 16, 2016

2015 in Review

Here comes the annual year review!
Before that, I did repeat the 2012’s practice to jot down my mood for 2015: 


Ups

1. MSO & Academics

I suffered a plunge in academic performance in 2014. There were expression of disbelief and words of encouragement from family and friends. I was left with no choice but a need of desperation to be completely focused on studies. At the same time, I blindly signed up for an extra commitment which I did not require. I involved further in the organisation for a test of ideas and leadership. I was grateful that despite all the sacrifices and tears, both MSO and studies had turned out alright. It could have been much better but for what I had on my shoulders, I was pleased. At least, I had learned about myself and organisation.

2. Discovering myself


There were some bits and pieces I learned about myself with the 2015 experience. I grew to be slightly meaner, to take care of my organisation’s interest. I grew to be more decisive, when decisions were needed for the organisation and myself to move on. I learned to be simplistic and a minimalist after a hard-fought year. The course, Corporate Valuation taught me to only keep or get something that adds value to your life. While I do not feel 23 during my birthday this year, I now do feel 23 and I have 6 months to be a better 23.


3. Relationship

I learned to handle relationships with friends and family. I learned to separate the roles and expect the least. I broke off a friendship which it wasn't working. I was selective on friendships I wanted to make. In words, I chose to be less of a hypocrite and stay true to myself. I was grateful to have more than a handful of good friends. And there were a couple of special ones this year. I was certainly grateful that some unexpected friendships/relationships blossomed.


4. Travels

I gave up travelling when I was working on another commitment. But I had also once said that I wanted to explore Australia as much as possible and not return for 20 years. I realised I was behind schedule to achieving this dream. Since September I was travelling extensively. I covered the outback, and after early January 2016, I am left with Tasmania which by hook or by crook, I will cover it before I leave. I explored different travel styles, including camping and in a troopie camper with a local, travelling with backpacker and my fellow Malaysians. I drove in Australia in different vehicles. I had met a lot of incredible people and some bad encounters during the final 5.5 weeks trip. I learned more about myself and had a noticeably change after the trip 


Downs


1. Failure of the second dream

Few knew about this. I was secretly proud of working on this, hoping that this ridiculous dream would come true next year. I was wrong and careless. After 3 years of working on this, I could not work on it. I was still proud of working on it but it still hurt once awhile. I had invested money, time and effort which was the one that was not enough to make it work. Through this dead dream, I probably learned how to work on my millions of interests in life. I am currently reading on a chapter about ‘The Upside of Quitting’. This quote summed up this downfall: ‘Knowing when the time is right to walk away is a perpetual challenge’.


2. Mental instability

I took a two-day mental health first aid course in Canberra. Throughout the two days, I was thinking about an incident and a broken friendship. Additionally, I was also thinking about myself. I had been uptight and nervous about myself and on what I do. I was always worrying and thinking about what will happen next and what can I do. A friend reminded me that ‘there is only so much you can do’, ‘enjoy the trip’, and ‘take one at a time’. I could not. I just could not. While 2015 is a year of letting go, perhaps 2016 is a year of releasing myself to work on things better.


3. Discovery of self

There were bad bits and pieces of myself as opposed to the ones on top. I am still the biggest procrastinator while being hit by a seemingly quarter life crisis. I am still a bad financial management person despite studying Finance. I am still demotivated and constantly questioning if I should fight. I am desperate and irrational during crisis which was the bit I wished didn't happen during the trip. I am unable to relax over commitments and responsibilities. Well, could only work to be a better person as time goes.

4. Fear and Letting Go

The theme of the 2015 revolves around fear and letting go. I manned up to overcome my 2014 failures, with a tinge of determination and fear. At some points, I really thought I could not make it. Questions of what-ifs swirled around my head. Towards the end of the travel trip, I was almost afraid of everything. I was scared of the dark, scared of the wild animals, scared of the nature, scared of not making to my flight. I tried letting go of myself, trying not to be tensed and uptight. But somehow fear overcame me most of the times and that was when I did mistakes, irrationally. Lesson learnt of course, and it’s definitely something I need to fix for 2016. As for letting go, it’s probably achievement of the year. God has taken a lot from me this year, 3 of my storage drives which store a whole lot of my past and a tiny bit of the future, friendships and relationships, stubborn principles and extravagant lifestyle; but it is all traded with a better mentality and idea towards myself and the future. After all, it was not too bad, only it was a long and slight painful process.


While 2015 has been difficult, I am definitely grateful of all the happenings. Thanking the families and friends who have been with me through thick and thin. 2016 would be a really exciting one with a new life journey, I hope I can make it great. 



Love,
Wen Xin