The journey had come to a halt. I thanked God and the people who has been with me part of and throughout the journey. I knew I was not the greatest person to deal with. I wanted to write more but my poor writing skills would not allow me. This short post merely described some feelings I have for the journey. It was definitely much more than that, and could be better or worse.
I carried an ambition with an ultimate goal in mind. I had a couple of philosophies in leading the organisation. Driven by the ambition, I took as much as I can, I worried as much as I should, I took care as much as I need. I am a born worrier, and one of the philosophies is, if there is something wrong and I did not spend enough of time to think about it, fault is at mine. Once again, all events above had its flaws, and it always did not meet the ridiculously high expectation of mine. Given the time and commitments constraints, this was the best I could come out with.
At times, I was criticised of the decisions I made. I learned to listen, but I usually trusted my judgement with my intuition and consideration. All the decisions I made were for the best interest of organisation but sometimes, selfishly for myself. Deciding for the organisation was tough, as I would blame myself for not responding well or fast enough. I learned to be decisive, but I had not learned to make a good decision.
I explored the leadership style, trying to be a dictator and a democratic. It didn't work transforming from one to the another. Dictatorship, though how disapproving it may sound, it worked. Another philosophy was, this organisation was a learning platform and also an experimental laboratory.
Fellow Malaysians are still having the racial prejudice and the need of dependency. Insensitive remark is made and true colours of people are shown. It is heartbreaking and disappointing. I have come this far and done this much, but it is still not enough to change mindsets of a few or at least inspire some. Given the situation and resource I have, I learned that I have done my best. I learned to stop the blame game on myself and accept the outcome with open wide arms.
Being a female leader, I did have to say it does feel more difficult due to my sex. Perhaps due to my overly sensitive nature, at some occasions, there were a few sexist encounters. Or perhaps due to my introvert nature, I was not good at shaking hands and socialising, even after a year of training.
I have taken down all these posters from my wall and kept the t-shirt. Out of sight, out of mind, out of reach, I shall put this chapter well behind me. While the organisation has been a great place to learn, it has also cost me things, too many things. It costs me a secretive dream, my lifestyle, my mental health, the financial cost behind the dream, my academic performance, nights with tears, and a couple of more. While Nicole Kidman aptly said about her acting job is 99% hard work and 1% glamour, it is similar to this one-year commitment. Lee Kuan Yew sacrifices his life for a better Singapore, I for one, on a million smaller scale, sacrificed a year for the organisation
In the end, I do not know of the outcome of organisation. But let bygone by bygone, I could have done better but for a first trial, I am pleased.
Thanks for the memories but it is time for myself,