Saturday, October 17, 2015

Goodbye My Friend

The news came shocking
Unprepared of you leaving
It's your choice I would accept

Your update came through
Unaware of your problem
Can't help but I couldn't accept

Hello my friend
Goodbye my friend
How are you
I cannot care

I know it's painful, 
Regretful of your doings
If you could you would rewind

I was in pain, 
Struggling with my sorrows
How could you did this to me

Hello my friend
Goodbye my friend
How are you
I cannot care

There is a fire in me
Wanting to forgive and forget
You know I did try
But I cannot pretend

Hello my friend
Goodbye my friend
Hold on to fate
Let go I said

I am sorry I have to end this
What we had was broken, gone, move on
It's over


I was saving this song for a relationship. Once in a blue moon, I play with the second-hand keyboard I bought, not fancy but decent for a release. I listened to the snippet of the recording I did on my birthday this year. Strangely I don't remember creating that melody on that day. Anyway the birthday is forgettable, which is probably the reason by I did not write a dedication post this year.

Around midnight, I dreaded to the end the unproductive evening. Somehow I got inspired, some rearranging and trying out lyrics later, it was done in 30 minutes or less than that. It's funny how all the songs I have written are about guys. I wished I continue pursuing piano to learn proper composition. I wished I can read and learn to write better. The recording process was surprisingly quick, usually it takes more than 10 takes in 1-2 hour.

The story behind this song, was quite unexpected. I guess I was not surprised that it happened. But I was certainly surprised at how I reacted to it. I had said the theme this year is letting go. I had never thought that I would let go a friendship. 

I did have some content to write for the birthday post. One of it would be 'Somehow I don't feel 23 at all, but a young adult being lost in quarter life crisis: spiritually challenged, academically poor, intellectually empty'. But of all the negative things, I think at most least, I learn to be mentally prepared for things, I was rational and calm in dealing with this. There were a lot of emotions involved this year. This was a difficult decision and I was afraid of the consequence. 

I guess I have grown a lil matured, and probably selfish in dealing with people and happenings. I realise things, can be and should be as simple as it can, despite the world being so complicated with motives and emotions. I do know my focus for now, and there is much more that I want to do before ending this chapter in Australia. At least I end a chapter with this song.

PS: If you are reading this, please don't take it personally, just found a way to express this. Remember my last text to you, I mean every word I wrote.

Wen Xin

Thursday, October 8, 2015

Behind MSO 2015

The journey had come to a halt. I thanked God and the people who has been with me part of and throughout the journey. I knew I was not the greatest person to deal with. I wanted to write more but my poor writing skills would not allow me. This short post merely described some feelings I have for the journey. It was definitely much more than that, and could be better or worse.

I carried an ambition with an ultimate goal in mind. I had a couple of philosophies in leading the organisation. Driven by the ambition, I took as much as I can, I worried as much as I should, I took care as much as I need. I am a born worrier, and one of the philosophies is, if there is something wrong and I did not spend enough of time to think about it, fault is at mine. Once again, all events above had its flaws, and it always did not meet the ridiculously high expectation of mine. Given the time and commitments constraints, this was the best I could come out with.

At times, I was criticised of the decisions I made. I learned to listen, but I usually trusted my judgement with my intuition and consideration. All the decisions I made were for the best interest of organisation but sometimes, selfishly for myself. Deciding for the organisation was tough, as I would blame myself for not responding well or fast enough. I learned to be decisive, but I had not learned to make a good decision. 

I explored the leadership style, trying to be a dictator and a democratic. It didn't work transforming from one to the another. Dictatorship, though how disapproving it may sound, it worked. Another philosophy was, this organisation was a learning platform and also an experimental laboratory.

Fellow Malaysians are still having the racial prejudice and the need of dependency. Insensitive remark is made and true colours of people are shown. It is heartbreaking and disappointing. I have come this far and done this much, but it is still not enough to change mindsets of a few or at least inspire some. Given the situation and resource I have, I learned that I have done my best. I learned to stop the blame game on myself and accept the outcome with open wide arms. 

Being a female leader, I did have to say it does feel more difficult due to my sex. Perhaps due to my overly sensitive nature, at some occasions, there were a few sexist encounters. Or perhaps due to my introvert nature, I was not good at shaking hands and socialising, even after a year of training.

I have taken down all these posters from my wall and kept the t-shirt. Out of sight, out of mind, out of reach, I shall put this chapter well behind me. While the organisation has been a great place to learn, it has also cost me things, too many things. It costs me a secretive dream, my lifestyle, my mental health, the financial cost behind the dream, my academic performance, nights with tears, and a couple of more. While Nicole Kidman aptly said about her acting job is 99% hard work and 1% glamour, it is similar to this one-year commitment. Lee Kuan Yew sacrifices his life for a better Singapore, I for one, on a million smaller scale, sacrificed a year for the organisation

In the end, I do not know of the outcome of organisation. But let bygone by bygone, I could have done better but for a first trial, I am pleased.

Thanks for the memories but it is time for myself,
Wen Xin