Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Chilly and Demotivated Night

I underestimated Canberra's weather and put on a thin cardigan. Now, I'm typing with my frozen fingers while waiting for half an hour for the security escort back home. The day started rough with me being unattentive to things and studies, I probably screwed up a straightforward mid term exam and now being punished under the cold and a delayed trip back home due to detours.

Wen Xin, would you ever stop complaining and actually do something? It has been awhile at this state, always feeling unhappy and unfulfiled at the current state, by comparing to the past which was once unhappy. I think I know how to get out of this, it'd take a marvellous effort and probably more sacrifice. 

I have a few weeks to make a difference. A couple of big decisions are coming up and I'd really want to make things right from now on with the right amount of effort and passion. Holding back the The journey to home took an hour, which I intend to work things out. I would down a third of a bottle of red wine, hopefully as a celebration the end of a mundane life.

Wen Xin

Saturday, September 19, 2015

Gone by September

Dear blog,

I have written this to you that I come to you when the sky is gloomingly dark and when things reach the hopelessly pessimistic level. I said and shared this with a couple of close friends that it is the quarter life crisis when one is seemingly lost in the world of decisions and journeys. I geared up early of the year and stayed in the game for a semester. But the aftermath of the persistence hit me badly on the second semester which I did not foresee. 

A 3-week internship opened my eye to the future employer and I don't see myself fitting in for 3 years. With no time of recovery, I continued my commitment with the society, doing more than I should to ensure things go smoothly. Only to find myself losing passion day by day but I have no choice but to continue, for the ego that I don't want to lose. I found out a result that I already knew and was reluctant to give up or move on. I seek for support in this, only to be assured that this is a lonely journey right from the start. 

I am living in the fear that my fate for last year will repeat where it was the lowest point of my academic studies. I have a study plan laid out on my whiteboard but as always, it is part of the wall decoration.

I want to stop feeling bitter about comparing with others and with my own past which my current self is always at the downside fate which I will never ever overcome. I want to pursue things that I love by waking up to each of them with anticipation. I want to stop feeling lost.