I was on the way back from a grocery shopping trip and this song is on the radio. 'Big girls cry when their heart is breaking'. The heart was broken since January, and the soul is still aching. I am not sure how much more I could take. It was all cool on the outside, until the moment I came home, to my vulnerable zone.
Remember that one time when he left, and you still cling onto your pillow pretending you are hugging him? Remember that one time when you drop your first f-word, and you cover your mouth instantly and wish you didn't blab that word? Remember that one time when you fail intentionally for the first time, and you said you will redo it next year? Remember that one time when you said you want the best of both things from the best of both worlds?
Note to self, all is done and all is over. I don't think I have any energy left in me to fight for this second dream, nor I have the money, determination, discipline. I pursued this dream out of stubbornness, over-estimation and unrealistic thinking. It is possible and do-able as I found out, but it'd take much more than I am currently sacrificing.
My last back up plan had backfired, the three-year journey might be worthless after all. Thinking of all the time, money, effort (I can assure you that it is not a lot, and I don't deserve any credit), sacrifice on social life; it hurt so badly that after all these, it gives me nothing. Well, it did give me a lot of lessons and experience, I should settle with gratitude that I learned.
To answer the questions at the first paragraph, it screams 'REGRETS'. I do not regret for things I did, but I do regret for things I did not do. And this, is probably the biggest regret in life I had so far. Have you let go 2-3 years of your life? Have you let go a dream before? How did you do it? How did you move on? I am not sure if I have time and energy to figure it out, and I am not sure if I would listen if someone talk to me. More confused than ever, I am wandering around without a direction.
I met Bruce at the lift.
'You forget something?'
'Yeah my notes'
'Long day huh?'
'Will be a tough one, and a tough week'
'It will all be worth it'
'Yes it will'
Thank you Bruce for the short conversation and the reassurance, and for pressing the button back to my floor. I really do hope it's worth it.
Hopeful or hopeless,