Tuesday, April 28, 2015

The World doesn't need me, but I need the World

It had been crazy since semester resumes. The workload hit me like I had never imagined, the loss of data of my pendrive which contained literally my past and future contributed to the stress and panic attack. 

Seeing what is ahead for the next two weeks, it is worse than a mission impossible, not even Tom Cruise can save the day now. I kept reminding myself to keep calm and stay focused but my mind just wandered away and the next thing, I went to bed to avoid all problems and snoozed my alarm for an hour every morning. 

The truth is, why am I complaining. I am lucky to be at this state, for it is tough but I have all these opportunities around me. Maybe not so much on the freedom but I chose this path with what is provided. I doubted myself along the way, feeling lonely and weak. And why would I expect people to understand when I myself don't understand, confused and doubting at times. 

Each time this year, I asked for miracle and blessing. Not going to say it is the last time but yes I will be needing miracle for the next 2-4 weeks to go smoothly. I am playing with fire and I am failing at catching all of the fire throws. The world doesn't need me to prove anything or save the world, but I need the world to get inspired and learn from. 

My sponsor doesn't need me but I need them for the financial support to move on. In return, I need to deliver and redeem myself. My second dream doesn't need me but I need them to fulfil my so-called passion and greed. In return, I pay a high price and sacrifice. My organisation doesn't need me but I need the team and fulfilment to keep me going and all the practical learning from it. In return, I gave up part of me, constantly following up and hoping things turn out alright for the organisation. It takes two hands to clap, but without all the formers, I probably don't worth anything.

I do not know why but it struck me all of the sudden, the world has so much to offer. The nature, the humans, the geography, the creations, the amount of stuff to venture into. I can't have it all but I can certainly discovered as much as I want. Why am I wasting my time sulking and complaining when I have the access to knowledge and discovery.

I would really need to gather myself right away for the challenge. The to-do list is so long that I can't even see the end nor I want to look at it to reorganise it. But I will have to. If I have procrastinated for 4 days, I will and must catch up. I numbed myself with workload and drugged myself with caffeine. At this point, I will do absolutely anything to survive. I signed up for all these and it is my responsibility to continue. 

You heard me,
Wen Xin