Tuesday, November 4, 2014

The Black Swan

I started celebrated Halloween a few years back, where each year I took on a character and channelled it. For the past 2 years, I've been taking characters with comparing doubles of good and evil. Sinister look with a comparison of Jekyll and Hyde in 2012, Red Queen in Alice in Wonderland instead of the loving White Queen in 2013, and this year, Black Swan instead of White Swan.

Funny thing, I always got inspired a year earlier. I've decided to be Black Swan in November 2013. During my flight back to Kuala Lumpur, I watched the movie directed by one of my favourite director, Darren Aronofsky and acted by the talented Natalie Portman. It wasn't easy watching the whole movie. I needed a couple of pauses for it is too dark and painful to take in. With all of Aronofsky's work, he always tell a story behind all the dark elements.

In the movie, Nina struggles to cope with the immense pressure of having the lead roles in Swan Lake. She deals with the idea of perfection in mastering both opposite roles. Pointed out by Thomas Leroy, she controls herself perfectly that she doesn't know part of perfection is achieved by letting go. As a consequence, she loses grip on reality and loses herself in a living nightmare. She started turning her back at people around her, her mother, Lily and ultimately herself.

It is a movie of power, perfection, pleasing and pressure. She wanted the roles so badly that she puts everything on herself. A quote I wrote down on 23rd November on my phone, "the only person standing in your way is you, time to let it go. Loose yourself, surprise yourself so you can surprise the audience."

Looking back on how I carry myself through the second semester of the year, I can't help it but to relate to Nina. Funny that a Halloween character I chose for myself a year ago was a perfect fit. It is not as scary as it seems but somehow I am lost in my own world of power, pleasing, pressure and principles. If it takes months to disrupt years of control, I have days to not ruin my life. As pointed out by Mr Feng Shui, the life cycle has just reached the valley.

"However bad life may seem, when there is life, there is hope." I am fighting and still optimistic. I am searching and still alert. I am standing tall and still fine. 

On a non-related note, I gave up 2-3 plans for 2015 when I signed up for a one-year commitment work. When I was making the decision, a lot of second thoughts popped up but I decided to go with the instinct, with what my heart tells me. The greedy me as usual, will still want it all. This summer I will pursue 1 of the plan, which is to chase my hobbies, one of them is reading.

So, dear blog, be my witness, I am going to read Spider Bones by Kathy Reichs, followed by a precious book given by 2 friends on my 21st birthday, The Black Swan by Nassim Nicholas Taleb. With an additional note, I need to find back my passion for the degree and majors I signed up. These 2.5 months, shall be the period I search for myself.

Wen Xin