Monday, November 24, 2014

Up in the Air

It has been an interesting twist of events, and probably the one of the toughest period of time I ever had. I don’t think I have ever dealt with such great amount of uncertainties, such turbulences in emotions, and being lost in such state.

The valley does not seem to improve from my previous blog post. Change of fate disallowed me to head home as planned, but it granted me a plan I didn’t manage to do after signing up for a commitment for next year. I am on the plane, half way through my journey. I am seated at the middle aisle. I was excited heading home, but after an incident yesterday, it turned the much-needed trip from excitement to guilt.  

The news came knocking as soon as I finished my training. It hit me by total surprise that I was not even aware of committing the offence. I held myself up throughout the ordeal. The rest is probably not worth mentioning at all. I fell, I tried to get up, I tried solving until 4 hours before the departure of the bus to Sydney.

The last time I was this humiliated was in January 2013, when I asked for a forecast from my Economics lecturer. This time was a huge downfall of disappointment. I violated both of my principles of not doing something illegal and immoral. I left the room and half-slept the night with tremendous heartache and guilt. It is a lesson, painful yet necessary. A night stroll 3 hours before the departure does not help much as I felt worse thinking about what I have put myself through. It was stupid but uncontrollable, painful yet sweet, at least I would remember it that way.

I am thankful of God of a favourable outcome. I heaved a sigh of relief but it does not mean that I am out of trouble. At least I will get to enjoy the next 10 days, before a few judgment days in early December. What I am even more grateful is the friends who have been supporting all along the way and some encounters to brighten my day.

Friends who listen, who do not judge, who hold me up, who care, who keep me company, who give me words when I most needed; THANK YOU. Despite all the flaws and weaknesses, the true friends still flatter me with beautiful compliments. For people and at least for myself, I will make this 10 days count before December falls on me. No matter what happened in December, I knew there is always solution and I’ll make things work.

I wanted to be alone on the plane, but God gives me an acquaintance/colleague. We engage in deep conversation on religion and views. How enlightening and delighting, he shared with me that a mistake or sin is normal, we are after all human. As long as you repent and remorse, pray to God and ask for forgiveness. It is that simple as long as you are sincere. I feel better after the conversation, thank you, thank you for sharing and thank you for preaching what you preach, you have indeed fulfilled the second purpose of life.

The remaining year will be more difficult but either way, I will make myself prepared. I will have to recover and in search for one self. It scares me but I will have to make it happen. God, kindly grant me the light and strength.

Thank You.


Wen Xin
21st November 2014

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

The Black Swan

I started celebrated Halloween a few years back, where each year I took on a character and channelled it. For the past 2 years, I've been taking characters with comparing doubles of good and evil. Sinister look with a comparison of Jekyll and Hyde in 2012, Red Queen in Alice in Wonderland instead of the loving White Queen in 2013, and this year, Black Swan instead of White Swan.

Funny thing, I always got inspired a year earlier. I've decided to be Black Swan in November 2013. During my flight back to Kuala Lumpur, I watched the movie directed by one of my favourite director, Darren Aronofsky and acted by the talented Natalie Portman. It wasn't easy watching the whole movie. I needed a couple of pauses for it is too dark and painful to take in. With all of Aronofsky's work, he always tell a story behind all the dark elements.

In the movie, Nina struggles to cope with the immense pressure of having the lead roles in Swan Lake. She deals with the idea of perfection in mastering both opposite roles. Pointed out by Thomas Leroy, she controls herself perfectly that she doesn't know part of perfection is achieved by letting go. As a consequence, she loses grip on reality and loses herself in a living nightmare. She started turning her back at people around her, her mother, Lily and ultimately herself.

It is a movie of power, perfection, pleasing and pressure. She wanted the roles so badly that she puts everything on herself. A quote I wrote down on 23rd November on my phone, "the only person standing in your way is you, time to let it go. Loose yourself, surprise yourself so you can surprise the audience."

Looking back on how I carry myself through the second semester of the year, I can't help it but to relate to Nina. Funny that a Halloween character I chose for myself a year ago was a perfect fit. It is not as scary as it seems but somehow I am lost in my own world of power, pleasing, pressure and principles. If it takes months to disrupt years of control, I have days to not ruin my life. As pointed out by Mr Feng Shui, the life cycle has just reached the valley.

"However bad life may seem, when there is life, there is hope." I am fighting and still optimistic. I am searching and still alert. I am standing tall and still fine. 

On a non-related note, I gave up 2-3 plans for 2015 when I signed up for a one-year commitment work. When I was making the decision, a lot of second thoughts popped up but I decided to go with the instinct, with what my heart tells me. The greedy me as usual, will still want it all. This summer I will pursue 1 of the plan, which is to chase my hobbies, one of them is reading.

So, dear blog, be my witness, I am going to read Spider Bones by Kathy Reichs, followed by a precious book given by 2 friends on my 21st birthday, The Black Swan by Nassim Nicholas Taleb. With an additional note, I need to find back my passion for the degree and majors I signed up. These 2.5 months, shall be the period I search for myself.

Wen Xin