Wednesday, September 3, 2014
Amidst the procrastination and in the state of demotivated, the semester is coming to a 2 weeks break. Not too much has happened or developed for the past 7 weeks, but it is definitely somewhat life defining. The first step is difficult, I can't seem to bring myself to walk forward and never look back.
I am still torn with choices and desires. Though I might have an overwhelming desire and deep passion to change or create things, I am being limited by financial constraints and constant worries about the future. I lose freedom where most of my compatriots have. I looked at them with a twinge of jealousy, yet I have to constantly remind myself that I have to be grateful.
One does get tired of fighting, I have been fighting since I was 12. It has been a decade, there are darts of pain, jolts of panic, cold times with failure, drenching guilt and waves of emotional breakdowns with tears of frustration. On a positive note, an extraordinary chain of events did make the decade filled with jumble of memories, surge of excitement and a sense of pride.
What is ahead is a ferocious challenge, it is something that I need to figure out and once and for all, convince myself for good. I am hit by a sudden shaft of determination, but I will have to make up my mind, and stop the other thoughts or actions.
Looking at my annual dedication on National Day, it hit me deeply that I miss home. At current point, home is unreachable and home is the future. Home is where I continue my fight, but whatever I am building here, is my weapons for the future. My next task, is to choose a weapon and polish it.
This is War,