Recently I wrote quite a lot about adults, but an unpleasant experience yesterday leads me to the concept of authoritarianism and how authoritarian is not something I want to be.
All the while, I am aspired to be on the top, ambitious you must say, a typical Malaysian Chinese you must say. I can't help it, being on top does feel good although surrounded by immense pressure. Being on top gives you a sense of authority, a sense to control things, a sense to manipulate agenda.
I'm not a born leader, a natural leader. I might have good management or planning skills but I never want to fight with people for a position. To me, at this individual point, I'm still focus much on my own performance. I have learned to study for my own sake, workout for achieving a healthy body, take care of my face to feel better, (try to) read more to improve knowledge and wisdom, achieve each things with my own will at personal scale.
It doesn't matter if I am not acknowledged by a professional or recognised body. Of course if there is a recognition, it'd be better. But sometimes, it's a sense of pride evolves from yourself, matters. I don't see the need to be pushy, to be stern, to be mean, to show your authority.
A form of authority is shown to me yesterday. I blamed myself for being apologetic, because I have my utmost respect for the figure of authority. However, I have to disagree that an authority has to be used at the first place since fault is at the technical place, not mine.
I admit to be at fault for my failure in managing time and commitments. But I believe I am coping with life much better than my peers. Not to sound arrogant, I do deeply believe everyone has their own problems. I am trying not to judge people from the obvious, but sometimes it is inevitable. Boy, you give me so much to judge!
I have been people-pleasing since I was in my teens. An interesting chat with an extraordinary friend suggested that people-pleasing is not entirely bad. He believes that people-pleaser has a form of satisfaction when they please people. Though sometimes they might be seen as taken advantage of, they are happy to see things solved.
To date, I can never imagine myself being an authoritarian though inside, I might want (have to) to be. Perhaps all I need to do is to be mean. I can change who I am, it's the matter of if I want to change.