Sunday, March 24, 2013


Recently I wrote quite a lot about adults, but an unpleasant experience yesterday leads me to the concept of authoritarianism and how authoritarian is not something I want to be.

All the while, I am aspired to be on the top, ambitious you must say, a typical Malaysian Chinese you must say. I can't help it, being on top does feel good although surrounded by immense pressure. Being on top gives you a sense of authority, a sense to control things, a sense to manipulate agenda.

I'm not a born leader, a natural leader. I might have good management or planning skills but I never want to fight with people for a position. To me, at this individual point, I'm still focus much on my own performance. I have learned to study for my own sake, workout for achieving a healthy body, take care of my face to feel better, (try to) read more to improve knowledge and wisdom, achieve each things with my own will at personal scale.

It doesn't matter if I am not acknowledged by a professional or recognised body. Of course if there is a recognition, it'd be better. But sometimes, it's a sense of pride evolves from yourself, matters. I don't see the need to be pushy, to be stern, to be mean, to show your authority.

A form of authority is shown to me yesterday. I blamed myself for being apologetic, because I have my utmost respect for the figure of authority. However, I have to disagree that an authority has to be used at the first place since fault is at the technical place, not mine.

I admit to be at fault for my failure in managing time and commitments. But I believe I am coping with life much better than my peers. Not to sound arrogant, I do deeply believe everyone has their own problems. I am trying not to judge people from the obvious, but sometimes it is inevitable. Boy, you give me so much to judge!

I have been people-pleasing since I was in my teens. An interesting chat with an extraordinary friend suggested that people-pleasing is not entirely bad. He believes that people-pleaser has a form of satisfaction when they please people. Though sometimes they might be seen as taken advantage of, they are happy to see things solved.

To date, I can never imagine myself being an authoritarian though inside, I might want (have to) to be. Perhaps all I need to do is to be mean. I can change who I am, it's the matter of if I want to change.

Wen Xin

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Life Changing, or Not

It is really funny to think back, in last July, I was so excited turning 20 to enter the adulthood. Only after a month of two, the thought changed 180 degrees, scared me off and changed some perspectives to another, or none.

After studying for 13 years till pre university, I took 6 months to work in a white collar world. As oppose by peers which think work will dampen the study momentum, I was subborn as usual to work with formal attire as I have always dreamed. I sat in my L sized shape desk, with a comfortable armchair, an outdated computer with no internet connection, dressed in my favourite Dorothy Perkins purple top, MNG pants and Vincci peep toe heels. I told myself, this is it, this is where I belong.

I have struggled since last September to get my momentum on books. I no longer see theories are relevant to life. These two months however, I finally see some light. Finals are coming up in 1.33333 months and I have no time to slack. Turned on the auto study mode, these few weeks have been productive, more work is definitely needed, but I felt more lifeless than ever.

A working adult starts their work from 9 to 5, overtime most of the time, probably 8 or 9pm. Drove back and found yourself half dead on bed, perhaps there are worries on tomorrow's work but usually you find peace at home (no work to be completed). A student life has changed, we have much more flexible timing of course, less time spent directly on the commitment (studies). However, students go to university, and turn out the study mode till lessons are over. Go back home like a zombie, and resume studying till midnight after recharging. Smack me, I can't stop complaining!

A working adult always warned us 'working is suffocating, enjoy your university life'. I really don't understand the validity of the statement. I wonder a lot, I wonder why? Is working the rest of our lives something bad? Is the working environment that scary? Is human that dehumanising when it comes to materialism? I have been wondering and searching for answers, but all I felt, is I fell into a deeper hole.

I am not sure how my life is turning out. Before this, I do things out of what society thinks is honourable. Now, I don't know what to do with life. A wise man once told me, there is a choice. Is there really a choice? Does society really give us a choice? Do parents really give their children a choice when they insist 'you find jobs everywhere with accountancy'?

The wonder of the week falls to the category of time management. As I commit to a few major things at the moment, I overestimated my time management skills and underestimated my emotional side. I managed to talk to a few adults on their lives, funny that I am crowning myself a kid around them, because that's how I feel, an innocent and incapable girl. I am deeply interested in knowing their lives, not sure if I have invaded their privacy.

Over a chat in the assembly room and a mamak meal, he shared with me his insights of his life. At the age of 17, he already knew what he is going to do, and he is indeed successful. In a good way, he questioned my direction in life. I thought I had one, but I lost it early last year. I am worried, and I am scared. I am careful of each step in life because I am afraid of failure and mistakes. I am aware of each move because what if time, money, and opportunity are not on my side.

Over a weekly night duty, she talked to me about time management as I bombarded her with questions. I reduced much of my volunteer duty, feeling guilty but at this point, I need a break. I do feel useless and shameful, I thought I can cope. She, a dynamic woman, made things sound easy, juggling with various commitments just like this. If only I can shun the guilt away or install a robot dynamo in me, I might can manage time and things better.

Over a bench after an hour of cardio battle, I asked him about life, again. Is there time for yourself? In January, I was breathless every single day, juggling with commitments, stress and self-imposed pressure. Who am I to complain? I am just a student, the commitments are minor if compared to his and others. Despite a busy life, he thought it is worth it. I thought, then that's the only thing that matters. I am afraid life is not turning out right, I am afraid my life isn't fulfiling as I want. If only I continue asking 'is your life now what you have imagined 10 years ago?'.

The reason why last year has not worked out is, when the direction is gone, hope is gone. I moved on with the back up plan, discovered that 'hey it's not too bad', but honestly, the soul took quite awhile to recover, and I don't think I have recovered. This year, a hope came alive. There were obstacles, still there are. Now, things are close, yet not reaching the destination yet. I swear everytime the tablet beeped, I checked my inbox but only to be disappointed. The uncertainty of last year has returned, but brought much optimistic hope and confusing dilemma at the same time.

Saw a photo-quote, 'Sometimes you have to stop worrying, wondering, and doubting. Have faith that things will work out, maybe not how you planned, but just how it meant to be.' Just how it meant to be. And yes I shall continue the routine of life, and if things were to detour, my life will change.

Don't you worry, child,
Wen Xin