I need to read this in the future, to have a good laugh of my writing and the year as a whole. Just realised, I didn’t write a reflection post on 2011. Maybe my HSC result was so horrendous at the end of the year that it totally stopped my tradition. I remembered crying my eyeballs out for two days, sobbing hard in my office’s bathroom overlooking at the KL view while talking my heart out to my friend on the phone. It was tough, it was painful, it was over.
2007 – Peak
2008 – Above average
2009 – Above average
2010 – Growth
2011 – Recession
2012 – Depression
Of course it isn't as bad as it sounds.
- An uncertain future with no direction, still.
Never have a moment of doubt before about my future, I clutched to the hope that a miracle would happen, to realize a 5 year old dream. It didn’t happen of course but there was a last resort and I thought ‘Hey this could be a detour’. A detour indeed, but I am realizing that it is bringing to a completely different route. Not aware of the consequences and ultimate destination, it is very frustrating at this age where I thought it is my life now and I am in charge. I am wrong.
- Broken relationships and a broken heart.
Relationships rot at the start of the year and worsen at the end of the year. As people grow and age, different encounters make people change, and change is not really welcomed in a close-minded society. When coping is difficult and egoism stands in its way, relationships are sore and left with a broken heart. Trying to be the middle person and hold things up, are difficult. Sometimes, I am not as strong as I thought. But I have no choice but to keep inducing some optimism in. If not, it will crumble with no one stand tall.
- The Procrastination.
Repeating it again, if procrastination is a nation, I should be crowned the queen. I believe this is an issue faced by most. Ain’t complaining but it is definitely bringing things down. Turned 20 this year, usually I will go around and say ’20 only mah’, but I can’t help it but to think ’20 already’! By 21, I should be mentally wise enough, intellectually good enough, physically strong enough, and financially capable enough to take care of myself. But procrastination holds things up, I am holding myself up. I spent all day refreshing Facebook or browsing sites, but not meaningful activities or battles. Procrastination makes me feel more lifeless than ever, particularly this year.
- Losing faith in humanity.
More issues are discovered this year about humans, behaviours in general. Met a person who lives by the motto of ‘Life is Beautiful’, it is beautiful indeed, but with people in it, things have gotten scarier. Crime’s everywhere, dirty politics here and there, annoying love songs on the air, changing behaviours of loved ones, immaturity of known ones, the eager pursuit of power and wealth, the desperation of cloning one’s life, etc. Perhaps I should not be judgmental nor care about what others are doing for their lives. I can’t help it but I am disgusted.
No huge devastating events happen actually, just maybe my thinking factory has not been shut down, and some of the engine parts need some WD-40 perhaps.
- Reducing the personal carbon footprint by adopting to be a semi-vegan.
Limiting my diet choice keeps me fit and healthy. Though at initial stage, it feels weak and cold with a significant reduction in protein and fats intake. It does feel tempting at times when the fried chicken smells so good. I felt proud for self disciplining myself. There is a glow of radiance with a simpler and greener diet. It is a personal choice, and I am doing for the sake of a good change for myself.
- Venturing into volunteerism and humanitarianism.
Working along a community with no hidden agenda and solely for a good cause they believe. They are the reasons why I still have faith with humanity. I have learned to manage time better, to be physically stronger and mentally tougher, to be willing to commit and sacrifice, etc. Most importantly, it is a great to help those who are in need and give back to the society. Working with them is probably the only time there is no worries. At least when people are sleeping at homes, partying in the clubs, shopping for more Burberry; I am with these humanitarians and Samaritans.
- Capturing the moods, daily quotes and whereabouts in a diary.
While most people rely on social medias and online applications, I am still pretty old-schooled, using my red Typo diary to sum up the year. I jot down my daily moods, there are 366 faces in my diary, of a scale of 5 smiley faces, ranging from ‘over the moon’, ‘you smile I smile’, ‘nothing else I can say’, ‘hurt‘ and ‘cry me a river’. Besides, I write down my daily happenings/inspirations in the form of quotes. Most are written by myself, some are shared on Facebook, some are wise words from people I met. Tina Seelig dedicated her book entitled ‘What I wish I knew when I was 20’ as a 20th birthday gift to her son. Inspired by Seelig, the diary, comprises probably 1000 quotes, will be given or shared with someone worth-sharing in the future. Reading back the diary, it shows how much I grow and how naïve I am, still.
I survived a 6.5 months of internship prior to the start of university. Working is not as scary as I thought, or maybe I have not experienced the real working yet. Almost every adult I met warned me about the scary working world, urging me to ‘enjoy your university life’. I do understand the political part of working environments, the stressing moments when targets and aims need to be met for capitalism needs, the lack of freedom to do things, etc. But when all those are inevitable, I think work provides a sense of fulfilment for me, that I made something, and solved something. Though I might not be the most capable and successful, I learn a lot from the process and applications, meet interesting people, whether they are sincere, hideous or mere acquaintances.
- Travelling trips to Singapore, Penang, Damai Laut, Phuket, Krabi, Bangkok
Headed to Singapore for an entry examination, the focus wasn’t on the exams, but the fact that it is the first solo trip. Enjoyed Penang with my girl friends, and discovered insights about friends in general. Won a free stay in Swiss Garden Damai Laut, was a rather free and easy trip. The first cruise trip to Phuket and Krabi, though there were some unpleasant experiences but glad to spend time with grandmother. For the first time, spent Christmas away from home, in Bangkok, where they call the city of angels. It didn’t seem angelic to me.
The achievements seem promising and fulfilling. Those are things I never intend of even have the slightest thought to achieve at the initial point. I was proud of myself, but it didn’t last. My friend had suggested me not to judge the year based on the year end. Come to think of it, the year had been quite fruitful. But not sure why, there is something missing this year. Perhaps although the positives outnumbered the negatives, the negatives found its way to conquer my thoughts. If 2012 is a depression, I hope 2013 can be a recovery or redemption.
Toast to the end of the year, HAPPY NEW YEAR!