Wednesday, April 11, 2012

big BANG

It is now the fifth month of my internship in the company. I don’t need an internship, moreover a 6 months internship. It is a path I have chosen, a rather unnecessary and difficult path. Two people have asked me ‘so you prefer the harder road?’ For both occasions, I did not answer. Deep down, I answered ‘not to say the harder road, but a road that I can walk with my integrity and pride’. Oh well, it would be the harder road. A road would be easy if you can let down your alter ego, put down your principles and allowed to be led by other voices. I choose, not to.

Back to the topic of this post, for four months long, I have been doing tasks which I never thought myself will be doing in 3 or 4 years. It is one of the moments that you will be so proud of yourself, yet so intimidated by so many greater people. It is only until today I am blamed for not doing a good job, until today I truly feel the pressure of being at the bottom of the pyramid.

In Form 4 of SPM history, we are educated about hierarchy, pyramid structures, dictators… Growing up watching Hong Kong TVB dramas, I am pretty familiar with those dynasties where the emperors rule the people. The ministers, the generals, the concubines, the servants, fight behind the scene for a better life. The same thing happens in a while collar world, only less physical.

Last Friday, it was a letdown to perform poorly which let down my own expectations. Not that I have ridiculously high expectations, but I do solely believe in performing at my standard and not letting people down. Perhaps it was this stubborn attitude of mine, I find it difficult to accept changes and people being better than me.

*Bang* I heard the door. *Bang* I heard a thud in my heart.