Sunday, April 22, 2012

Ouch. It stings.

Catching up with friends make me feel good, just to know how's life has been for them. Usually, it wouldn't be the whole picture of their life, some not even a half or a quarter, but at least, there is an effort of meeting up and keep the friendship flow on.

Sometimes I do feel terribly bad as a friend, because I never (perhaps seldom) make the move to keep in touch with them. But I am really grateful that my friends never give up trying to keep in touch with me.

Two gatherings from this rough week, have touched me in several ways. 'Do you have a dream?' she asked. My mind went blank, I did have, I did. But I can't see it anymore. Something within me has changed and somehow it might wouldn't lead me to the then-dream. I am still keeping faith, but it's not easy to convince yourself.

'I forgot the last time I cried', he stated. In my heart, I tried to whisper 'I forgot the last time I smiled, a genuine smile'. I kept a journal where I recorded my daily mood with smiley faces and otherwise. There are some smiley faces, but it wouldn't last till the second day, usually.

As emotional as this post may sound, no worries pal, I'm fine. Life gets difficult as it goes. It sucks, it really sucks, but it goes on.

Time for a 3-week Facebook fast, gotta find some peace and time for myself.


Monday, April 16, 2012

Destiny vs. Fate

Yesterday, we saw news of Livorno midfielder, Piermario Morosini’s death after collapsing on the pitch during an Italian’s second division football game. Approximately a month ago, Bolton’s footballer, Fabric Muamba’s cardiac arrest swamped the sports headliners for a few days.

Truth is, Muamba survived, Morosini did not. Sad truth is, the media coverage on Muamba was much greater, and it shocked the English Premier League and the whole world that such incident happened on such young player. Muamba is only 24 years old. Footballers from Spain, as presented by the Galacticos (oh the all glamorous Real Madrid players), extended support and condolence to Muamba. The EPL was relieved in joy that Muamba made a spectacular speedy recovery. Unfortunately, destiny was not favouring Morosini.

Reading the stories of these two footballers, I can’t help it but to mourn. According to reports, Muamba is a hard working footballer with so many glory years ahead, no doubt he will make a return, a miraculous return. Whereas we had Morosini, who struggled with his parents’ death during his teens and handicapped brother’s suicidal. Muamba has his loving fiancé, family and even a Bolton team who was close to giving up on playing in a semi-final match. What about Morosini? He was only 25 years old, a year older than Muamba, 5 years older than me. We call it, his destiny? His fate?

According to Oxford Dictionaries, Destiny means ‘the events that will necessarily happen to a particular person or thing in the future. Fate means ‘the development of events outside a person’s control, regarded as predetermined by a supernatural power. It can be concluded that both words carry the same meaning, both are caused by hidden powers, seen as beyond our controls.

Watching Freakonomics the movie, the chapter of ‘the socioeconomic patterns of naming children’, when one of the experts were asked about giving a right name to a child, he laughed that ‘you could possibly name your child Destiny’. I believe the quote is incorrect, I don’t quite remember but it goes something like that. Immediately, I turned to my movie date, documentary date to be precise (thank you my dear, I know you are reading this), and said ‘I do have a friend called Destiny’. Destiny. Such a nice name.
I once asked my mother, we were discussing about Justin Bieber’s enormous success as a teen celebrity when we watched E! True Hollywood Stories on Bieber, about his life as a celebrity, is it destined or fated, does he control his destiny and the fate just come? Both of us couldn’t come out a definite answer, remember my Chopra’s post about there is not one and correct perspective. But we both agreed to the conclusion that it is a mixture of destiny and fate.

It is up to your definition. In my point of view, I believe destiny is what you control, and fate is what you don’t control. Both development of events will necessarily happen, depends how you hold your destiny and fate favours you or not. Take Bieber for example, if he hasn’t post up videos on YouTube, would Scooter Braun discover him? Bieber took hold of his destiny, he doesn’t know he will be a superstar, but he knows he worths something. And then we have fate, who apparently and obviously favours him, Braun found him and brought him to Usher, who became his mentor. The rest is history, you and I know, what fame does the 18 year old man-to-be hold (I believe he is growing up as a man, ironically his music is playing in my office now). ‘That should be meeee’, oh the irony, oh the fate.

Going back to the story of the footballers, Muamba’s life is destined to have more, fate favours him and brought him back to life. We call it, a miracle, or his destiny. On the other hand, Morosini was not as lucky as Muamba, Morosini’s life is destined to be unfortunate, he might have a turning point, but fate still didn’t favour him. We call it, a tragedy, or his fate. I have utmost respect for both of them, one’s life can be so tough and fragile at the same time.

‘Destiny is what you control, and fate is what you don’t control.’ You couldn’t possibly see your destiny or your future. But you can control it until fate comes. Quoting Bridget Menezes, a columnist whom I follow on The Sun newspaper, ‘We are the architects of your own destiny. We are the builders of our future’. Putting a lil adjustment, I believe we are the engineers of our own destinies; God is the architect of our fate, together we create life.

Shooting back the question to myself, do I know my destiny or fate? Life is more fun if you don’t know, but you have to know you do worth something, and you work that something out. That perhaps, is my destiny, I don’t know what is it but I am working towards it. Just on last Saturday, I asked my mother, ‘can someone tell me how it feels heaving the last breath of your life? Is it really ‘that is it’ after that? Can I not die? I am scared’. I guess, when fate has to come, it comes. I wouldn’t have the time to think about all those then.

RIP Morosini, may you have a better life on the next cycle.
Ladies and Gentlemen, of Destiny vs. Fate, your choice.


Sunday, April 15, 2012

The Heart of Ocean

It was indeed a dream came true. I remembered how I wish I didn't miss it in 1997, when I was 5 years old. Thanks for the 100th anniversary, I got to watch it in silver screen. Somehow I wasn't keen on watching it as soon as it was released on the 5th, not until the right moment came. Yes it was the sudden urge and the perfect timing to watch it on the 14th. 100 years ago, she met her fate and sank on its maiden voyage on the next day 2.20am. I did my research. She sank on 2.20am GMT-3. Given the location of Malaysia GMT +8, it actually happened on the 15th April, 2.20pm. So the best time to watch is 15th April 2012 noon. But I figured 15th wasn't the day where she was beautiful, 14th is the day she was the most beautiful, when she was still the ship of dreams.

Watching it in cinema, especially in 3D allows me to see many little small details, which I always missed while watching the VCD. The small butterfly pin on Rose's hair, the mirror she used, the fate of Ms Trudy, Cora whom Jack's favourite girl is, the small chandeliar in Mr Andrews's room when she hit the iceberg, etc..

Somehow it doesn't feel like 3 hours, it feels like 1 hour plus and I wanted more. During the last hour, there were sobs, of course I was not the only one who cried. Well, of course I'm well prepared to tear up, bought a handkerchief somemore.

I was doing a lot of thinking during the movie, I was relating myself to Rose. Trapped, lost, a bewildered soul. Nowhere to break free, not until she met him. Someone to tell her, there is an option to take, and more journeys ahead. Someone to see her, understand her, help her. Someone.

Its a classic love story, which includes the harsh humanity, possessive, cruel, greed, hypocrism, selfish, social class division; of course with positive notes of courage, woman power, gentleman manners. Oh damn, somehow I can't list down much of the good stuff, aren't we all always drawn to the bad stuff first?

I remembered when I first watched Titanic on teevo when I was in primary school, I rushed to my room and cried my heart out, and I asked my aunty, 'Jack died, why is he standing there with Rose at the last scene?' She answered, 'it just happened, you'll understand in the future'. Of course I figured it out, it is a consolation scene.

Overall, the design of the movie in 3D is alright, I wasn't feeling completely in awe, but it was just nice for one of my favourite movie of all time. But probably thanks to the 3D, I finally understand the distinct mise-en-scéne of the movie where the director James Cameron focused on objects in bringing nostalgic, melancholic, and pain of this tragic disaster.

I think I blogged about this quote before. 'A woman's heart is like a deep of ocean'. It is filled with secrets, and you will never know what is hiding behind her face. During one's lifetime, aren't us ladies trying hard to pretend? Pretend to be smiling, pretend to be cute, pretend to be beautiful, pretend to be like-able. Pretend to be strong, when you are not.

My heart will go on,
Wen Xin

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

big BANG

It is now the fifth month of my internship in the company. I don’t need an internship, moreover a 6 months internship. It is a path I have chosen, a rather unnecessary and difficult path. Two people have asked me ‘so you prefer the harder road?’ For both occasions, I did not answer. Deep down, I answered ‘not to say the harder road, but a road that I can walk with my integrity and pride’. Oh well, it would be the harder road. A road would be easy if you can let down your alter ego, put down your principles and allowed to be led by other voices. I choose, not to.

Back to the topic of this post, for four months long, I have been doing tasks which I never thought myself will be doing in 3 or 4 years. It is one of the moments that you will be so proud of yourself, yet so intimidated by so many greater people. It is only until today I am blamed for not doing a good job, until today I truly feel the pressure of being at the bottom of the pyramid.

In Form 4 of SPM history, we are educated about hierarchy, pyramid structures, dictators… Growing up watching Hong Kong TVB dramas, I am pretty familiar with those dynasties where the emperors rule the people. The ministers, the generals, the concubines, the servants, fight behind the scene for a better life. The same thing happens in a while collar world, only less physical.

Last Friday, it was a letdown to perform poorly which let down my own expectations. Not that I have ridiculously high expectations, but I do solely believe in performing at my standard and not letting people down. Perhaps it was this stubborn attitude of mine, I find it difficult to accept changes and people being better than me.

*Bang* I heard the door. *Bang* I heard a thud in my heart.


Saturday, April 7, 2012

Who Moved My Cheese

Just on last Saturday, it was a random trip to MPH, which is my usual routine whenever I dine in at Great Eastern Mall. As usual, I was just looking through books on shelf. Suddenly, there is a sudden urge to search for this book ‘Who Moved My Cheese’ by Dr Spencer Johnson. I have heard about this book early last year, went to check it out, it costs MYR30 for a 30 pages book. My mind settled down to ‘NO WAY!’

Back to MPH, I found the book and spent 15 minutes reading it. Heck, it’s a pretty darn good business book! I was this close to buy it but oh well, I believe there is an alternative.

The theme of the ‘Who Moved My Cheese’, rather focuses on ‘Change’. It is really a simple story of four different characters on finding the ‘Cheese’. The four little characters represent four common kinds of people in our world. Hems. Haws. Scurry. And Sniff. Each where people can relate to the character and their craving for ‘Cheese’. I would highly recommend this book, or you can ask me for a copy ;) It’s just like a fairytale or bedtime story, only more rational and logical.

Relating myself to it, I was a Hem. Funnily, I thought ‘Cheese’ will automatically be restored when I first lost it. I always think that God love me and no matter what, He will bless me through obstacles. The situation lasted for years, until I became a Haw. I started to notice that ‘Cheese’ isn’t appearing unless I go look for it. These 2 years, I see a major development in me, and now it’s developing even at a faster rate where I wanted to beg it to slow down. Now I am looking at detours and different paths which will bring me to the ‘Cheese’ that I want.

After having relationship with myself for almost 20 years, I do know there is a small part of Scurry and Sniff in me. But I believe it is a long way till I can truly become Scurry and Sniff. There are more to be done and I am still ‘Moving Along with my Cheese’ and ‘Writing on the Wall of the Maze’. It’s not a good feeling when you are walking along the maze, no idea where the new station is. But you will find your station eventually, just have a little more faith, I reassure myself, all the time.

Monday, April 2, 2012

Shut Up and Learn

  It’s funny how when I want to blog about something, there is no time. When I don’t have the time to blog, there is no topic. I want to touch on. I almost want to just blab anything that comes to my mind, but I decided not. 


Alright, recently, I find myself handling situations quite unusual. Usually, I have a say in almost everything, I feel it is important to blab out my oh-I-thought-so-professional opinions and to let people know, I have a voice. However, I start to change this attitude of mine; I opt for a nod, listen to the story, debate it in my head, absorb the good, and expose the bad.

            Surprisingly, it works quite well so far. No doubt it feels weird to not response as much as usual, but sometimes, trying to lose an argument isn’t as bad as I thought. I am quite surprise at how wonderful it actually feel for not having to prove a point. It somehow feels better than winning an argument and spitting ‘you lose’ right at their faces.

Life guru, Deepak Chopra said: ‘To be happy, you must realise this: there is no such thing as one and only one correct perspective. The best way to get what you want is to stop being right.’ That last three words, caught me for quite awhile.

            Stop being right. Stop being right? Why?! Well, I am that argumentative. I question ‘why’ in almost every statement I hear. Somehow, being too realistic, rational or logical isn’t doing any good. I usually tighten myself up, so tight that I realised my shoulders are so tense that it crunches up whenever I am typing. I need to massage my shoulders and remind myself to relax.

            I realise this sooner than later, but I have met people who can’t seem to let go. ‘You can’t argue any further about that’, a comment from C. Sometimes, is not that I can’t argue, I choose not to argue. Perspective comes from what you see and what you have been through. I absolutely cannot question people’s perspective, because I didn’t see what you see and experience what you have been through.

            Of course there are challenges for not being argumentative. What I mentioned last paragraph is one. The other one is staying true to your perspective. Obviously you would need a huge belief in yourself, stand up tall and stay strong to your point without saying it out loud. When you are listening, you are digesting what people say. There must be some sort of influence from those words. It’s about understanding the consequence of the influence and choosing the better one (not the right one, remember there is no right or wrong).

People usually thought you are weak when you don’t voice out your point. Does it matter how he/she thinks? People are sensitive towards what people thinks, the one that only matter is what you think.

            If any one of you are reading this, and feel the need to argue my point, feel free to do so. If not, why not just ignore it if it is not something you agree with? Oh well, we can’t, do we usually ignore politics and gossips? No, we create them. Same goes to an argument.