Saturday, February 25, 2012

The Sea of Thoughts

I am gonna start this post with a lyrics from the much outrageous female musician, Lady Gaga.
'There ain't no reason you and me should be alone, tonight yeah baby tonight yeah baby~'

That particular lyrics is what I thought of for last Tuesday, the much anticipated yet much loathed, the Valentine's Day. Valentine's Day is beautiful for 25% of the people, ugly for 50% of the people and nothing for 25% of the people. Why beautiful, it's a celebration, a symbol of one of the most powerful thing in the world, love. I don't particularly get why are there protests for this day, it's not like people only do immoral activities on this very day. Why ugly, it's for those couples' dates who didn't work well, and for a big portion of single people who whines about this 'Single Awareness Day'. Why nothing, for those who don't give a 'sh*t' about it. 

Based on my blog's cover photo, you may see I have a deep affection for white rose. Do you aware that we have something call, the birthday flower? Check out your birthday flower here: As you can guess, white rose is my birthday flower. On Valentine's Day, the price of flowers soared, I don't need a bouquet, just a white rose, will do.

But well, it's not that I receive a white rose. After almost 20 years here, yes I am single, somehow the Mr Right isn't here yet. I am not desperate, nor eager to find one, because I know, he is coming, and he is coming as fast as he can. Quote from Ted Mosby (How I Met your Mother).

My Valentine's Day was somehow unusual this year. It was not that I have a date, I met up with an old friend of mine, and not only it opened up a door for me to walk, it opened up my eyes and saved my bewildered soul. Similarly to last October, this lucrative and tempting business approached me in a way that it will just take a nod to venture. 

I immediately engaged myself in a sea of thoughts, there were debates and voices in my head. A part of me wanted it, a part of me tried rejecting it. I tried to be rational and logical, trying all sorts of way to find out an answer. My mind couldn't stop thinking, at work, at home, in the train, on bed, etc.. That was a moment when I almost think I am going crazy, why it is so difficult to make a decision, just a yes or no.

Somehow, it is not just a simple yes or no. I was intrigued by the system with a desire to experiment. It was an almost yes but I was held back for the fear that I have to change who I am to be in the system. Experiments do go wrong, like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, he ended up being conquered by the evil side of him and died. No doubt it is going to be a very good learning environment, but if it risks losing my own identity, it is a definite no.

After all, maybe I am not as confident as people think I am. A colleague of mine said 'it makes no difference where you study, the outcome will be just the same, doesn't matter local or overseas'. As usual, I debated with him, in my point of view, environment is a huge factor who shapes one person. I imagined myself immersing in the environment as proposed by my old friend, there are two hypothesis.

One, if I were to allow myself to become one of them, I might be successful and rich in a few years time, but on the road to the dream, I might lose myself to the psychological-based system, ended up achieving success in their way, but not my own way. This is not what I want. Two, if I were to allow myself to experiment with the system, I might be strong to stay with my experiment aim, but I will be doubting and lying, losing my sincerity and risking a friendship, ended up to more mind battles with identities. This is not what I want. 

Probably, once a while, there will be an incident like this which makes you scratching your head for answers. I was glad to be approached, because not only it awakened me from my misery and unanswered thought, it reminded me, of what I have been fighting for my own life. I might not have a fixed answer of what I want, but I do know I will do it my way. 

P.S. Old friend, you know who you are, if you have read this, please notify me ;) Nevertheless, thank you so much. I wrote this on my red planner on the day we met, 'No matter how much time has passed, a part of me will always remember you, who gives such significant impacts and fond memories in my life' :)