Saturday, February 25, 2012

The Sea of Thoughts

I am gonna start this post with a lyrics from the much outrageous female musician, Lady Gaga.
'There ain't no reason you and me should be alone, tonight yeah baby tonight yeah baby~'

That particular lyrics is what I thought of for last Tuesday, the much anticipated yet much loathed, the Valentine's Day. Valentine's Day is beautiful for 25% of the people, ugly for 50% of the people and nothing for 25% of the people. Why beautiful, it's a celebration, a symbol of one of the most powerful thing in the world, love. I don't particularly get why are there protests for this day, it's not like people only do immoral activities on this very day. Why ugly, it's for those couples' dates who didn't work well, and for a big portion of single people who whines about this 'Single Awareness Day'. Why nothing, for those who don't give a 'sh*t' about it. 

Based on my blog's cover photo, you may see I have a deep affection for white rose. Do you aware that we have something call, the birthday flower? Check out your birthday flower here: As you can guess, white rose is my birthday flower. On Valentine's Day, the price of flowers soared, I don't need a bouquet, just a white rose, will do.

But well, it's not that I receive a white rose. After almost 20 years here, yes I am single, somehow the Mr Right isn't here yet. I am not desperate, nor eager to find one, because I know, he is coming, and he is coming as fast as he can. Quote from Ted Mosby (How I Met your Mother).

My Valentine's Day was somehow unusual this year. It was not that I have a date, I met up with an old friend of mine, and not only it opened up a door for me to walk, it opened up my eyes and saved my bewildered soul. Similarly to last October, this lucrative and tempting business approached me in a way that it will just take a nod to venture. 

I immediately engaged myself in a sea of thoughts, there were debates and voices in my head. A part of me wanted it, a part of me tried rejecting it. I tried to be rational and logical, trying all sorts of way to find out an answer. My mind couldn't stop thinking, at work, at home, in the train, on bed, etc.. That was a moment when I almost think I am going crazy, why it is so difficult to make a decision, just a yes or no.

Somehow, it is not just a simple yes or no. I was intrigued by the system with a desire to experiment. It was an almost yes but I was held back for the fear that I have to change who I am to be in the system. Experiments do go wrong, like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, he ended up being conquered by the evil side of him and died. No doubt it is going to be a very good learning environment, but if it risks losing my own identity, it is a definite no.

After all, maybe I am not as confident as people think I am. A colleague of mine said 'it makes no difference where you study, the outcome will be just the same, doesn't matter local or overseas'. As usual, I debated with him, in my point of view, environment is a huge factor who shapes one person. I imagined myself immersing in the environment as proposed by my old friend, there are two hypothesis.

One, if I were to allow myself to become one of them, I might be successful and rich in a few years time, but on the road to the dream, I might lose myself to the psychological-based system, ended up achieving success in their way, but not my own way. This is not what I want. Two, if I were to allow myself to experiment with the system, I might be strong to stay with my experiment aim, but I will be doubting and lying, losing my sincerity and risking a friendship, ended up to more mind battles with identities. This is not what I want. 

Probably, once a while, there will be an incident like this which makes you scratching your head for answers. I was glad to be approached, because not only it awakened me from my misery and unanswered thought, it reminded me, of what I have been fighting for my own life. I might not have a fixed answer of what I want, but I do know I will do it my way. 

P.S. Old friend, you know who you are, if you have read this, please notify me ;) Nevertheless, thank you so much. I wrote this on my red planner on the day we met, 'No matter how much time has passed, a part of me will always remember you, who gives such significant impacts and fond memories in my life' :)   


Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Power of Power

Over the weekend, other than having a good catch up, I watched this interesting science fiction movie, Chronicle. Got to say, the smart and mysterious trailer captures my attention, probably one of the reason the movie is a hit. No first class cast, no world class director or producer, but an interesting plot and captivating young actors.
 Describing the plot isn't gonna do any good here, however, it is very inspirational to see how the director and the cast present one of the most scariest human nature, power. When power dominates you instead of the other round, not only you lose your beloveds and belongings, you lose yourself.

Human being, in any way, is linked to power. We are driven by the power of want. Majority of us pursues wealth, politicians pursue power and popularity, celebrities pursue fame, scholars pursue knowledge, employees pursue promotion, and the list goes on. Take myself for example, for the taste of glory, I want to stay on top of the league. Somehow the power of wanting the success over-controls me, I have done terrible things to achieve success.

In my workplace, it is a perfect experimental environment for power. I see the power of intimidation, working around executives and managers who have better abilities and skills. I see the power of gossips, where it is the center of attention. I see the power of predators where the prey always get bullied. I see the power of over-confidence and over-estimation, where it brings hatred and annoyance. Well, I do see some positive powers too. 

More commonly, one power where people can't stop craving, the power of love. I have seen how love paralyzes one life, making someone obsessive and annoying. Love makes people blind, where they miss so many of other good aspects in life. Valentine's Day is coming up, yes at times I do think about the Mr. Right. But life is too short to revolve around finding someone or thinking about someone who you aren't sure existing.

Well, at least we can have the power of craving, no?
Oh drools. Don't they look alike? Apparently it is not just me thinking they are alike. The younger Leonardo DiCaprio and Dane Dehaan from Chronicle. Some things need to be done effortlessly to present the real value. Dane Dehaan makes Andrew Detmer (the main character in Chronicle) looks effortless and surreal, no doubt most people can relate to him in any ways. After all, we are all just like Andrew, seeking a power that we are capable of, allowing it to over-control ourselves, fall and get back up. Aren't we?