Monday, November 14, 2011

Crash Crash Burn

Never knew something like this would happen to be so fast, just after 1 1/2 years of driving.

Never admit I am a good driver, but I do think I am a careful driver, or sometimes over confident. 12th November 2011. A very first accident, scary and traumatic. I am not sure whether I should laugh or cry. For sure, I am grateful  that no one was injured. But I totally can't remember that moment when the impact happened. Perhaps the 2 seconds exchange with the opposite car seemed short, but it was significant enough to leave a very deep  mark in my memory.

Driving on the opposite lane where I thought I was supposed to drive on, since my road was blocked. Light flashed from the opposite direction, I knew something was wrong. Slowing down and pressing on the horn made no help, an impact was inevitable. For one moment, I was completely clueless and senseless. Until my friend's voice broke the silence, urging to pull the handbrake.

It wasn't my fault, it wasn't the oncoming car's fault either. If there was a party to blame, it would be the wrong place at the wrong time. Perhaps this served me right, lessons are learned. I could have avoided this, in many ways. I couldn't stop thinking every time I am alone and every night when I am falling asleep, I keep asking myself 'why', 'why so stupid', 'why going back to that haunting path'?

I felt guilty for causing trouble to my parents, from waking up from sleep to lodging a police report, from 2 hours sleep to only 1 car to drive between them, from the trouble of getting back the report and sending the car to the service centre. All these wouldn't have happened if it weren't the pleaser attitude of mine. 

Since Saturday, I have been craving for support and love. I wish there is someone to hold me when I need a hand, funny, I have been waiting for all year long. Instead, what I got is requests from people asking for help. Sometimes, sorry is not the hardest word, 'no' is. I immersed myself in the routine of gym, wanting it to release the tension in me. Somehow it does ease me, but it all came back within me.

That flash of light from the opposite car will be on my mind for awhile, it isn't something to be forgotten so easily. The wound in my heart that has lasted for this year, it needs to come to a halt, thank God 2011 is coming to an end. Drivers out there, no matter how good or confident you are, accidents bound to happen any time at any circumstances. Drive slow and careful, safe and sound, signal left and right, look up and down. 

Crashed and Burned,