Tuesday, October 11, 2011

The Girl in the Crowd

I read a magazine article the other day, describing his experience in a women-dominated environment. However, what if it's the other way round?

The picture says it all, being the only girl in a crowd of boys. Somehow it makes you feel special, but at the same time it makes you so fragile, so tiny and so self-conscious in a men-dominating world. Having to study in an all-girls secondary school, basically I am a nun for 5 years. 

For these 2 years, I experienced the situation in the picture. Very intimidating indeed. I am the only girl in the Chemistry class, out of 7 students and a male teacher. Perhaps I was too self conscious, it builds up a tremendous pressure in me. Being surrounded guys who are generally better in all sort of things, make me feel timid and useless. I would constantly remind myself to stop the stupid thought. But it wouldn't go away. The thought haunted me for almost a year. Performing experiments alongside the guys, they speak Chemistry jargon like I never would understand.

Most of the time, I am not listening in Chemistry lessons, somehow I am just not attracted to particles and bonds anymore. On the verge of dropping the subject, his words of encouragement and gaze of kindness popped out on my mind. He would always come and ask 'how are you doing', giving compliments and advice. Deep down, I wouldn't wanna disappoint him. 

Being a typical Asian as I said before, 'A' is something we pursue. The latest Glee episode suggested Mike Chang (drools thinking of Harry Shum Jr) scores an A- which his father says it is equivalent to F in Asia. Very true indeed. I wanted strings of A, I wanted to proof that I can. The egoistic me somehow cannot allow me to give up a subject that I have taken for 2 years

7 days to the flag off, and I am not even studying like crazy. I know what I want and what it takes to get there. But somehow, I am not doing it. I am afraid arrogance has taken over me, leaving lack of confidence and low self esteem in me. I wanted to wake up from these, not to waste any more time. But I can't seem to sit at the study table, looking at words, and write it up. 

I would need to remind myself, this is the last thing I can do if I want to get out of here, to see the world, to experience the culture. I would need to shut myself from thinking. I would need to transform those fear into confidence and motivation. I would need to remember to ease my parents' burden. I would need to make the best out of remaining 6 days. I would need a perfect score to obtain a glory. I would need to remember my teachers' expectations and friends' supports, not to let them down.

Dear God, please bless and help me.