Tuesday, September 27, 2011

When Grown Men Cry

I have seen Forest Whitaker in various movies, pointing guns to the bad guys. I have admired Laurence Fishburne as Morpheus in 'The Matrix' being the leader of the superior team. I have been charmed by Hayden Christensen in 'Jumper' and 'Awake'. I have been amazed by the sexiness of the current James Bond, Daniel Craig. I have always like Genie in 'Aladdin', voiced by Robin Williams. I have also been scared by Blonsky in 'The Incredible Hulk' which Tim Roth becomes a monster.

But, I have not seen them cry.

I remembered looking at this photography article in StarTwo, probably two years ago. I remembered it was quite inspiring seeing real men cry. Men always give me the image of being strong, protecting their women with ego and pride. Somehow I have always wanted to be like them, to be as strong as men, to be better than men.

Of course. You would say. Well oh course I love this image. I have always been fond of Cristiano Ronaldo, no matter what he does/did.

It have been quite a difficult situation for me. I have read this Facebook status, saying 'crying isn't a sign of weakness, but a sign of staying strong for too long'. People do say, 'it is okay to cry, just let it out'. It ain't a solution, but a temporary remedy.

I faced a dilemma today, I think I already have the decision in mind, but I just need some assurance and support. Somehow, the egoistic me isn't asking for support and assistance. It is a decision that should be made since end of last year, it's not procrastination but stubbornness that held me for so long. I would say I am proud of myself but also I am weak for not continuing the journey. It has so many contradictions on each point, but a decision is still needed. I hope things will be clear soon.

The photography album above is called 'When Grown Men Cry'. What about 'When I cry', 'When You Cry', 'When We Cry'. Would people care like how they would search for the renowned masculine men?


Monday, September 26, 2011

The Departure

In these 2 months, I've been saying Goodbyes quite often. It's never easy saying the word. I think this is applicable to everyone, it's not easy recovering from farewell. Sucks to handle the fact that someone's leaving, it's something unavoidable and inevitable.

One and a half month ago, I had to handle the departure of one of my best pal, trials exams and piano Grade 8 exams. Last week, the end of college with collegemates. Today, an unexpected farewell from a not to say close friend but a significant one.

There are loads more I want to say, tonnes more I want to cry out. But time is not allowing me to do so. This break, a study break, probably is what I need to rejuvenate and recover.

Peeps, it is not my intention to write emotional posts but the more I watch 'Eat Pray Love' the movie, the more I can relate myself to the main character. Except I cannot just leave everything and travel to places.

Dear readers, I am okay. Probably books can be my best anaesthetic and time can be my best remedy. I am on a Facebook fast on weekdays and trying to shun myself from any possible communication.

If you have anything, you may email or text me.


Wednesday, September 21, 2011

In the Reign of The End

How time flies, I have been in college for almost two years. Remembering when I delightedly accepted the scholarship, pursuing a course I never heard before. Now, I am on the verge of graduating, in the reign of the end. What is left are two days of non-studying and 6 days of final exams.

To be honest, I looked forward to the last day. Yes, it is indeed an upsetting news that there are friends you wouldn't hang out with. But, what matters more to me, is crossing the finishing line after almost two years of hard work, ending a road where it is winding all the way, and starting a new journey.

Perhaps it is really wrong in the very beginning, I have expected so much. I remembered spending time daydreaming life in a new school, embarking on a perfect college life, being friends with people all around the world, things not surrounding gossips and dramas. However, it all turns out the opposite. I blamed no one but be grateful to God, after all, this is a worthy scholarship, what else should I complain?

Two years, I have made some valuable friendships, I see different people from different parts of the world. I have to say the students' superior social status and financial background (yes, it's peer pressure) have made my life a bit harder. Not that I am jealous (oh well, a bit), but I was educated in a way that I learned to see faces and psychological aspect of different people. Perhaps I inherited my mom's genes, we read faces through gestures and mindsets. Not that I read minds and moods like the Twilight heartthrob does, but more to reading one's personality.

Probably in these two terms, I saw so many new things, you may call me observant =) From immaturity, poor leadership, backstabbing, alienation, emotional, racist, double-face agent, spoiled brat, to maturity, multi-talent, good follower, independent, decisive. The list goes on, I would say the bad exceeds the good. Don't get me wrong, I am not critising people, making me God-like, I am many of the bad qualities too. But sometimes it disappoints and annoys me much to see, yet I wouldn't make a voice to it.

Today, pretty much an emotional day. I wasn't, till I reached school and things triggered my bewildered mind. I saw more and more stuff today, not sure if it's stuff I want to see. I found out something as well, which upset me at first, but I felt relieved after being blindfolded for months. Yes, it's definitely feeling relieved and good. Come to think of it, I am stupid and narcissus to even think of that way.

Nevertheless, a cute lil 6 year old Spanish boy tried to console me in the bus, having a lovely chat about issues in the bus and a blossom red rose given by a birthday girl and a short nap, managed to put a smile on my face. Yes I am not doing any revisions for now, and probably not tomorrow, and on the mock up day. But I am feeling good and positive this way.

Thanks for reading till this far, it's quite a long and whiny one.


Sunday, September 11, 2011

September 11th.

Ten years ago, I still vividly remembered my mom and me watching CNN breaking news when the World Trade Centre in New York City was attacked. Being a 9 year old naive girl, I don't think I find out on the very solemn day. The impact of this incident didn't hit me until recent years every September 11th. 

Dubbed as the incident that changed the world, particularly US, the terrorists attack claimed 2977 lives excluding the hijackers. A mixture of reaction was seen for this saddening incident, some were on the US side, some blamed the US for causing and resulting the death of hundreds of thousands of middle eastern's civilians, some even don't give a sh*t about it. 

Me being a person who is not keen on politics and wars, I can't really comment much on this. What really happened behind all those attacks and wars, do not matter much to me. But what really hurts to see is the loss of human nature through pursuing power and respective beliefs. What they cause in order to get what they want, is not just merely human sacrifices, but tears of pain, cries of grief, loss of innocent lives, and devastating states of demolitions.

I remembered I used to pray for world peace to God at night and during my birthday. Hoping for a better world and peace for us to live, the hope is still on, but as more explorations came, it dampens a little. Not that I have lost hope, but I changed my mind perspective as I grow. I learned about equilibrium in Economics and it inspires me about applying the theory in life philosophy. There can't be peace as bad and evil are always there to balance the nature of the world. There will always be rich and poor and both factors are counteracting each other. 

On a personal side, I would say I am pretty much a Jekyll and Hyde. Yes I have something that I want really badly, and yes, to achieve that, I would do and I did horrible things (not horrible, but I am punished by the guilt and the pain that I couldn't tell anyone). Come to think of it, it made me no difference than attackers and pretty much everyone. On comparison, similarly all of us would do things, even if it's bad things, in order to achieve something, we would lose part of the human nature. Whereas the difference is the degree of evilness and how much human nature that you would sacrifice to achieve the want.

There are tonnes of wants among billions of people. To satisfy it all will always be a mission impossible. But one thing for sure, a self-control is the key. It's really difficult to control the wants, on crossing the line of human nature, it's just a thin line of boundary. When you realise you are wrong and you want to cross back the line, it's either too late or the line has become a thick concrete wall. 

RIP to those who sacrificed on this day 10 years ago. Still finger-crossed for world peace and for human nature.