Monday, August 29, 2011

The Kill, The Laugh, The Voice

The moment you are hit by waves of realisation, you are so angry at yourself for making such stupid and silly mistake. The thing is the thought appeared on my mind: 'leave it here and you will lose it'. But you thought: 'nahh I won't. I'm smart enough not to lose it'.

Half an hour later, the jolt of awareness came to your mind. Oh sh*t, only to think that 'oh I should have listened to my thoughts'. It feels like my mind is teasing me 'I told you so'.

I feel lost, in myself, there's an alien in me. Who are you, who am I, blood is all I see. The alien voice in my head is talking to me all the time. I tried hard to reject, tried hard to fight, but....

I tried to be someone else, but nothing seemed to change. I know now, this is who I really am inside, finally find myself, fighting for a chance I know now, this is who I really am.

Mistakes have been done. It's the past. Redemption is to be done. It's the key to future. Sorry is invalid. Making a change is appropriate.


Wednesday, August 24, 2011

That was never my Intention

It was never my intention to humiliate you, you have no idea how much respect I have for you. It was never my intention to having argument, knowing that I can't voice it out spontaneously and couragely. It was never my intention to make things ended up this way, I was this close on finishing the week and the internal exams.

God has been kind to me for the week, but He never makes things easy. This is gonna pull me down, but on the verge of tears when you said (spat is a more accurate word) those cold words, I held my head up high and held your gaze firmly. I'm sorry, I said.

I am not sorry for doing it, but I am sorry that it had to happen and you were upset. 'Don't make this mistake again.' It was never a mistake, it was just when discussion turned ugly, mistake became misunderstanding, a stupid one.

It was ridicule that it wasn't your piercing words that made me cry, but a letter from my friend did. It made me felt honoured to have been a good friend. But with this happened, it upset me, for not being a good person.

I have no regrets at all, but I was never trained to be one with high self esteem. What you see from the outside, 'superwoman' my cute friends said to me, is just an acting that I was trained for long. Inside, I am vulnerable and fragile, but I will never let the weaker side of mine out, never.

Things will not be the same after today. I might not smile at you whenever you pass by. I can't just pretend things never happen, not only we had upset you, you had broken my self esteem when I needed it the most.


Sunday, August 21, 2011

When This is It

When times are hard, I would try to remember, there are much harder stuff in the world.

When relationships are cold, I would try to please and keep quiet, fight no more and care less.

When 12 units of 6 subjects are difficult to cope, I would remind myself, there are people doing 14-16 units of 7-8 subjects.

When there are complaints, I would try hard, to keep to myself.

When the arm muscles are hurting from practising scales, I would remind myself, I am done for good after tomorrow.

When love and support are gone, I would know, at least I am there for myself.

When the heart is not pumping, I would know, I have tried the best I could.

But, what if, I am so sick and tired of giving these excuses? 

Yes, when you are so sick and tired, you would keep telling yourself, there are more people outside are suffering more than you.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

It's All Human Nature

When I am down, it's his voice, their music who accompanied the journey to comfort zone.

It might due to the pre-trials stress, I wasn't feeling well in school. Come to think of it, I felt a ridiculous thud of disappointment, it's not that I feel abandoned or left out. But it's the truth that 'people come to you when they need you, dump you when they are done'. It was like primary school all over again, how immature, how ironic. Furthermore, the thought that people taking what you have without even asking or informing, is even more hurtful, with the sharp wave of pain attacking my soul.

I approached the piano with touch of fierceness, wanting to bang on each note with hatred. I tried to immerse myself in the mountain of books, but my mind is can't stop thinking about my stupidity of being used. I should have known, it's just the rhythm of life, part of human nature.

Think no more. It's the upcoming week I should be worrying about. Play no more. It's time to focus. Say no more. I just want peace, the rest is all 'up to you'.


Sunday, August 14, 2011

A Terrible Approach, Right?

The next 12 days, I can't really put it to words. It felt like it's a never-ending road, I know it's all gonna end in 81 days. But the level of pressure is peaking and the preparation isn't working as how as I want it to be. I have tried, but it's not good enough.

I came into a jolt of realization, in order to achieve something, you need to sacrifice something, an opportunity cost. No pain no gain, I might lose myself for achieving what I want. Looking at the definition of my course given by the

One of the most gruelling of any type of exam, by any standard. Taken in Australia, in the final year of schooling, the HSC (Higher School Certificate) determines your ATAR (Australian Tertiary Admisstion Rank), or subsequently, your life. Those exams have caused countless teenage suicides, and mass depression in adolescents, which causes excessive drinking and debauchery, and consequently, suspension, lowering the opportunity to learn and succeed with this incredibly painful ordeal.

It's seem a bit over-exaggerated. Yes it is tough. The ATAR is what holding me. I consider myself as a very competitive person, a good rank is basically what I have been fighting for my life. I know what I want, I know which position I want to be in. It's a brutal and competitive world, I would say if you want to excel, a rank is very important.

HSC and the ATAR taught me many stuff, in terms of philosophical life. I've seen how people approach the concept of exams, ranks and life. I do respect other's point of views. ATAR might not be a rank that defines everything, but it will defines my life, my future in the university.

It would be really difficult to handle the departure of a really close friend of mine, the upcoming Grade 8 exams and HSC trials exam. It's a challenge that I must undergo, and a mission that God leaves me, and please allow me to gain inspirations from it. Fingers crossed, I thank you'all for your support.



Counting down to 9 months later.

It's been awhile since I last made a video, couldn't think of any better farewell gift other than a homemade video, I hope you like it, I know you do :)

I have always known you will be going to USA for tertiary education. But deep down, I wasn't really prepared to let you go, I can't imagine not hanging out with you at least once a month, and now, 9 months without you! It sounds like you are my boyfriend, but you are more than that! A hubby whom I love very much, a good friend whom I thankfully have. Recalled the moments of us having roars of laughter, moments of secret talks and gossips, the jumble of memories always put a smile on my face.

It was really a sad day, it really didn't hit me till the last 15 minutes that the sudden jolt of realization hit me 'SHE'S-LEAVING-IN-15-MINUTES'. With a pang of sadness, I was sobbing quietly, I really don't want you to see my tears, I don't want to make you cry. But I can't help it. Waved you goodbye, I walked to my car, even Tokio Hotel can't make me sing as usual. It was the hardest journey ever, knowing the journey signified for not seeing you for months.

I didn't know it would be this difficult, I thought I can hold back my tears, I thought I can not let you cry. I was wrong, it was the hardest goodbye ever. But, I was really happy for you, happy to see your dream come true, happy to see you going for a new chapter of life. I wish the best for you, as you always see the best in me. You gave me the energy to carry on the upcoming hellish 2 weeks. I wish you to have great fun in the States!

Update me whenever you can, the traditional email way would be great as I will be on a Facebook fast for two weeks. I will stay tune at your blog, as your loyal blog reader. P.S. I LOVE YOU. And you know I don't simply say those 3 words to anyone <3


Tuesday, August 2, 2011

I am Magical.

Isn't this the best thing a fan could ever ask for? Alongside with Harry Potter, I am now one of Pottermore. Long live, Harry Potter.

'You are magical'

I am magical.

We are magical.

But not everyone believes that.

Robin Sharma does. Currently reading this book by the world class leadership mentor. Though things he said are pretty much what I've already knew, but to frame it to words to match what is it in my head, Sharma did it in a way that his words of wisdom inspired me deeply. Allowing me to have a journey of fatherly talk with him through words, I know what to do, what to focus and how to walk the journey of life.