The Sea of Thoughts

I am gonna start this post with a lyrics from the much outrageous female musician, Lady Gaga.

'There ain't no reason you and me should be alone, tonight yeah baby tonight yeah baby~'

That particular lyrics is what I thought of for last Tuesday, the much anticipated yet much loathed, the Valentine's Day. Valentine's Day is beautiful for 25% of the people, ugly for 50% of the people and nothing for 25% of the people. Why beautiful, it's a celebration, a symbol of one of the most powerful thing in the world, love. I don't particularly get why are there protests for this day, it's not like people only do immoral activities on this very day. Why ugly, it's for those couples' dates who didn't work well, and for a big portion of single people who whines about this 'Single Awareness Day'. Why nothing, for those who don't give a 'sh*t' about it. 

Based on my blog's cover photo, you may see I have a deep affection for white rose. Do you aware that we have something call, the birthday flower? Check out your birthday flower here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_birthday_flowers As you can guess, white rose is my birthday flower. On Valentine's Day, the price of flowers soared, I don't need a bouquet, just a white rose, will do.

But well, it's not that I receive a white rose. After almost 20 years here, yes I am single, somehow the Mr Right isn't here yet. I am not desperate, nor eager to find one, because I know, he is coming, and he is coming as fast as he can. Quote from Ted Mosby (How I Met your Mother).

My Valentine's Day was somehow unusual this year. It was not that I have a date, I met up with an old friend of mine, and not only it opened up a door for me to walk, it opened up my eyes and saved my bewildered soul. Similarly to last October, this lucrative and tempting business approached me in a way that it will just take a nod to venture. 

I immediately engaged myself in a sea of thoughts, there were debates and voices in my head. A part of me wanted it, a part of me tried rejecting it. I tried to be rational and logical, trying all sorts of way to find out an answer. My mind couldn't stop thinking, at work, at home, in the train, on bed, etc.. That was a moment when I almost think I am going crazy, why it is so difficult to make a decision, just a yes or no.

Somehow, it is not just a simple yes or no. I was intrigued by the system with a desire to experiment. It was an almost yes but I was held back for the fear that I have to change who I am to be in the system. Experiments do go wrong, like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, he ended up being conquered by the evil side of him and died. No doubt it is going to be a very good learning environment, but if it risks losing my own identity, it is a definite no.

After all, maybe I am not as confident as people think I am. A colleague of mine said 'it makes no difference where you study, the outcome will be just the same, doesn't matter local or overseas'. As usual, I debated with him, in my point of view, environment is a huge factor who shapes one person. I imagined myself immersing in the environment as proposed by my old friend, there are two hypothesis.

One, if I were to allow myself to become one of them, I might be successful and rich in a few years time, but on the road to the dream, I might lose myself to the psychological-based system, ended up achieving success in their way, but not my own way. This is not what I want. Two, if I were to allow myself to experiment with the system, I might be strong to stay with my experiment aim, but I will be doubting and lying, losing my sincerity and risking a friendship, ended up to more mind battles with identities. This is not what I want. 

Probably, once a while, there will be an incident like this which makes you scratching your head for answers. I was glad to be approached, because not only it awakened me from my misery and unanswered thought, it reminded me, of what I have been fighting for my own life. I might not have a fixed answer of what I want, but I do know I will do it my way. 

P.S. Old friend, you know who you are, if you have read this, please notify me ;) Nevertheless, thank you so much. I wrote this on my red planner on the day we met, 'No matter how much time has passed, a part of me will always remember you, who gives such significant impacts and fond memories in my life' :)   

Love,

Wenx

Power of Power

Over the weekend, other than having a good catch up, I watched this interesting science fiction movie, Chronicle. Got to say, the smart and mysterious trailer captures my attention, probably one of the reason the movie is a hit. No first class cast, no world class director or producer, but an interesting plot and captivating young actors.

 Describing the plot isn't gonna do any good here, however, it is very inspirational to see how the director and the cast present one of the most scariest human nature, power. When power dominates you instead of the other round, not only you lose your beloveds and belongings, you lose yourself.

Human being, in any way, is linked to power. We are driven by the power of want. Majority of us pursues wealth, politicians pursue power and popularity, celebrities pursue fame, scholars pursue knowledge, employees pursue promotion, and the list goes on. Take myself for example, for the taste of glory, I want to stay on top of the league. Somehow the power of wanting the success over-controls me, I have done terrible things to achieve success.

In my workplace, it is a perfect experimental environment for power. I see the power of intimidation, working around executives and managers who have better abilities and skills. I see the power of gossips, where it is the center of attention. I see the power of predators where the prey always get bullied. I see the power of over-confidence and over-estimation, where it brings hatred and annoyance. Well, I do see some positive powers too. 

More commonly, one power where people can't stop craving, the power of love. I have seen how love paralyzes one life, making someone obsessive and annoying. Love makes people blind, where they miss so many of other good aspects in life. Valentine's Day is coming up, yes at times I do think about the Mr. Right. But life is too short to revolve around finding someone or thinking about someone who you aren't sure existing.

Well, at least we can have the power of craving, no?

Oh drools. Don't they look alike? Apparently it is not just me thinking they are alike. The younger Leonardo DiCaprio and Dane Dehaan from Chronicle. Some things need to be done effortlessly to present the real value. Dane Dehaan makes Andrew Detmer (the main character in Chronicle) looks effortless and surreal, no doubt most people can relate to him in any ways. After all, we are all just like Andrew, seeking a power that we are capable of, allowing it to over-control ourselves, fall and get back up. Aren't we?

Love,

Wenx

Back to Business

It has been a really long time since I last blogged. I do have a passion to blog, often inspired by happenings and people; I wanted to write it down. There were distractions, there was laziness, there was lack of discipline; those were excuses.

 Fashion photographer, Nigel Barker once said on American Next Top Model, you can’t just have a passion, you have to be passionate.

Recalling my passions and interests these few years, lots have changed, lots have gone. Slowly, when your passions are lost, you tend to lose some identities of yours. I clung on the past for a long time, ‘I used to’ has slowly becoming my quote.

I used to hang out with my pals. I used to play the piano. I used to watch movies. I used to be a bright student. I used to be really confident. I used to bla, I used to this, I used to that.

Yesterday, I witnessed Novak Djokovic, whom I admired on the tennis arena. Partially because of his cute looks, but I was often overwhelmed by his utmost fighting spirit. Having the disadvantage of one less day to rest than his ever-strong opponent, Nadal; having to show he might collapse any time during the fifth match; having to not grasp the fourth set opportunity to seal the title, he somehow magically managed to defend his title, clinch the trophy and set some records.

Screams in joy and tears his shirt with relief, isn't this a gorgeous photo?

It was an inspirational and beautiful moment to see the finalists deliver their speeches. In the arena, they fight like winners, speak like professionals and poise like champions. Quoting Djokovic, there can’t be two winners. 

I felt Nadal’s pain of holding the runner-up’s silver plate, instead of the heavy trophy. Piercing screams of ‘That should be me’ are echoing in his heart, upsetting arguments of ‘Why don’t I do better’ are repeating in his head. At that point, it was painful to stand on the stage, being photographed when the limelight isn’t yours and forced a smile when you heart shouts a cry. That was how I felt on the 15^th December 2011, a scene that I wouldn’t want to remember.

Life requires lots of fixing, planning, adapting and changing. I can’t promise if I will constantly update this blog, but I shall try. Try, always try.

Love,

Wenx

It's Just, Good Business.

In Pirates of the Caribbean 3, Lord Cutler Beckett's last words 'It's Just, Good Business' before he was thrown to the deep ocean when counter explosions from both Jack Sparrow's and Will Turner's ships fired. He was shocked at the utmost, at the moment of truth, he didn't have to escape to save his life, because there are nothing left in his life where the 'good business' didn't do him a favour. Looking up to the sky while walking down the stairs, it almost felt like a joke from God, what was he trying to tell? Work harder and do whatever it takes, and I shall grant you what you want. He died in style but left a mission unaccomplished.

Somehow I am relating myself to him, it's weird that I have never set my eyes on him when we have the very charming Johnny Depp and the very good-looking Orlando Bloom. *drools*

The HSC results and ATAR aren't favourable. It hit me with complete shock and disappointment at the moment of truth when the website loaded on 3.30am yesterday and 7.45am today.

I looked up to the awesome KL view from my balcony, somehow it doesn't look fascinating tonight. Trying to find the moon where it's eclipse news dominated facebook newsfeed last week, I can't find it. Funny, I looked up to the sky and wondered, what are tou trying to tell me.

Looking at my comrade, smiling with pride and occupied with honours, deep inside ny heart, there were boomerang of yells 'that should be me'. I want to numb myself with my office work and the adrenaline of exercise, feed myself cheese, chocolate, green tea to cheer myself up. Time might be the best remedy.

Trying to send some grateful emails, tears kept flowing, the mixture of tears with eyeliner and mascara dropped, till I watched Bones. Perhaps God is trying to fool me again, it was a episode where a murdered surgeon paralyses Brennan's life, it's dubbed as the episode that makes people cry. Brennan saw herself in the victim, stressed, lonely and detached. Her world turned upside down in 3 days.

My world turned upside down in 3 days, it will turn back right up in 3 days. No? When God closes a door, He opens another door. What if, I only wanted the first door, it's always the first door.


Wenx

Same Shades of Blues.

I remembered,

When we wore the same shades of blue,

When we met in the tunnel,

When our eyes caught each other,

How those gave me faith that we had fate.

It was four to five months ago, 

From a student, to a stalker,

From follower, to Facebook friend,

From passionate, to losing interest,

Now that it's time to say goodbye,

I was not ready.

No more looking forward to the weekends,

No more tomato-red faces,

No more squealing inside my heart,

No more heart-pumping.

Should have had the guts to talk, 

Should have caught the last moment,

Wrong time wrong opportunity,

Perhaps it's better this way,

At least you will remember,

The girl who didn't talk to you,

The girl who didn't wave you back.

Never talk,

Never officially met, 

My best wishes to you,

And thank you for the teenage dream.

Love,

Wenx